UCLA to Eliminate Fraternities to Help Achieve Goal of Zero Waste by 2020

Both the cups and humans captured in this photograph are recyclable.

WESTWOOD—UCLA has just announced its plan to progressively eliminate fraternities within three years to help achieve its goal of zero waste by 2020. “It just seems like the right direction to go. If we really want to limit the amount of trash that UCLA is sending out, then we need to target the origins in which they are produced,” UCLA chancellor Gene Block informed. The plan, the Chancellor explained, will help eliminate the vast amounts of men exiting these organizations who typically consist of men who major in business economics, have a superiority complex, and wear salmon-colored shorts. “We plan on implementing the program this upcoming school year; however, we want to let the fraternities know we are not targeting them. We are also discussing the possibility of dismantling other programs.” At press time, Block advised fraternities to prepare for the nearing program, while also taking time to warn the football team they may be facing the same fate, pending the 2017 fall season.