(Source: UC Santa Cruz)
OAKLAND – Watching a live feed of the Beat SC Bonfire Rally on the 150” 3D television inside his opulently-furnished multi-million dollar mega-mansion tonight, UC Regent Richard Blum told reporters that he and the other regents were “devastated” to learn that the bonfire would be cancelled after protesters planted themselves on and around the tall pyre of wood erected in Wilson Plaza. “It’s just such a shame that this long-held tradition won’t be taking place at UCLA this year,” said a visibly distraught Blum, pulling a couple of $100 bills out of a tissue box to pat dry his tears. “The thing that saddens me most is how the students have suffered. None of them will be able to experience that wonderful warm feeling of incineration. At least us regents have all this tuition money to burn holes in our pockets. The students, they have nothing.” Blum added that tonight’s cancellation of the Beat SC bonfire might even cause him to “lose a few z’s” before climbing into his personal top-of-the-line hyperbaric sleeping chamber.
