TAMPA — After 22 years in the NFL, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has announced that he will be leaving the game of football. “I don’t know why everybody’s saying he’s retirin’, there’s no fuckin’ way. If he’s retiring, I’ll start paying child support!” screamed Timmy “Fitzy” Fitzpatrick between convulsive sobs. “The man’s foot just needs to heal for a year from kicking the ass of every man, woman, and child that’s ever existed on the face of the Earth. I love you, Touchdown Tommy.” At press time, Fitzy was unavailable for comment, having scheduled an emergency appointment with his therapist.
