Ring, ring, your mom is calling! Is she just saying hi? Or has something terrible happened to someone that you may or may not remember? With this handy little predictor, you no longer have to wonder!
Aries:
OMG, fire sign queen! Your mom’s coworker’s house tragically burnt down thanks to a PG&E mistake. Remember when you almost caused a similar disaster with your scented candle?
Taurus:
You’re an earth sign, so you love nature, and are going to be very sorry to hear about the tree branch that fell on your cousin’s boyfriend’s head (although—silver lining—maybe the brain damage will improve his personality!).
Gemini:
Well hello, you gorgeous two-faced bitch! Speaking of your warring twin natures, one of the twins who lived down the street from you fifteen years ago has tragically overdosed, leaving his brother alone for the first time in his life. Bummer!
Cancer:
Cancer might be associated with a crab, but when your mom calls, you can be sure that the daughter of her friend from college, who was just as healthy as you last year, is stage four and terminal! Don’t forget to be grateful today!
Leo:
You are such a drama queen, but that isn’t necessarily bad! If your neighbor’s mother-in-law had spoken up about the pain in her arm, she might have survived that stroke. Keep being larger-than-life, girl!
Virgo:
Your sign is the virgin. Ironic, because your mom’s second cousin that came to Thanksgiving one time has gotten a horrible STD from her cheating husband. Maybe you can use your organizational skills to help her budget for a good lawyer!
Libra:
As a Libra, you’re all about equilibrium. At least, your mom hopes you are, because your dad’s ex-girlfriend’s daughter has gone off her lithium and is totally manic. Guess he dodged a bullet avoiding those genes!
Scorpio:
You’re an emotional water sign who often feels misunderstood. Don’t lean into that feeling too much, or you might end up like your aunt’s best friend’s nephew, who just ran away with his mother’s jewelry to join a cult!
Sagittarius:
You are on a quest for knowledge, and that makes your mom so proud. But don’t stay at the library too late, because your fourth grade bully’s troubled sister was brutally assaulted in a dark alleyway, which did not pass the vibe check!
Capricorn:
Capricorns are known for their steady earth sign patience. Hold onto that when you’re crossing the street, because your sister’s boyfriend’s cousin got hit by a truck jaywalking and now his brains are scrambled like an egg!
Aquarius:
A fabulous air sign like you should still remember to stay vigilant on planes, because your mom ran into a woman she took a yoga class with ten years ago and she said her neighbor’s brother’s boss was sucked out a hole in the cabin, right into the atmosphere! All you can do to prepare is buckle in tight and tense all your muscles for the entire flight. Do it for your mom who loves you!
Pisces:
Curveball! Your mom wants to know if something terrible has happened to you. She had a bad feeling, because you haven’t called this week and could be dead in a ditch for all she knows.
Tune in next week to hear how the stars determine what dark secret from her past your grandma will reveal after a few Ambiens!
