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Tragedy

Solar System Tired Of Planning Student’s Next Downward Spiral

December 13, 2021 Brandon Wang 0

MILKY WAY — The solar system announced Saturday that it had really had enough of planning third-year psychology major Natalie Jones’s next downward spiral. “People […]

Report: Male Pattern Baldness Also Extends To Pubes

November 22, 2021 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A recent report found that 70% of balding men also reported hair loss in the pubic region. “For a lot of us, […]

Professor Denied Tenure After Falling For Student’s Ligma Joke

November 1, 2021 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD — Henry Bones, assistant professor within UCLA’s anthropology department, was denied tenure this weekend after a student got him so good with a “ligma” […]

COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store

December 9, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]

“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet

October 28, 2020 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]

South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice

October 2, 2019 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it […]

Area Man Feels Conflicted After Binge Eating Entire Family

August 5, 2019 Joshua Rice 0

BRATTLEBORO, VT — Area man Chuck Childs expressed disappointment with himself after admitting that binge eating his entire family Tuesday night was a major setback […]

Report: Facebook Event Invitations Don’t Mean Shit

June 14, 2019 Nicole Corona Diaz 0

WESTWOOD — Shocked to have seen literally everyone at Josh’s “exclusive” birthday party, second year biology major Sabrina Crocker has concluded that Facebook event invitations […]

Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s

June 14, 2019 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]

P: Ouch! CP: Oops, Sorry

April 11, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

Point: Ouch! By: Beauregard Ploof Ouch! My foot! How could this be? How could you have done this?? I thought you were my friend. After […]

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