WESTWOOD—Sources at the University of California, Los Angeles confirmed that History of Modern Freeways teaching assistant and PhD student Caroline Gates thanked her students for coming to Thursday’s 8:00 AM discussion section as if they had a fucking choice. “I only show up because section participation is 20% of our grade, and I need an A,” said first-year geography major Jake Hobbes, who classmates claim has never actually participated in class. “She thanks us for coming as if we wouldn’t rather be sleeping than sitting in a decrepit classroom on the third floor of Bunche for 50 minutes. What kind of sick delusion is she living out?” At press time, Gates had been dismissed by the University after multiple reports confirmed that she had instructed the students to play yet another icebreaker game.
