WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles campus asked for their school newspaper’s opinion.
“Despite constant editorial pieces on the efficiency of USAC council members, quality of Westwood restaurants, and American politics, our findings show that no one has requested such opinions,” said DGAF researcher Samantha Lin. “Literally no one.”
The DGAF study instantly resonated with females under the age of 35 and anyone with a friend on the Daily Bruin staff. Data was collected by analyzing how quickly study participants scrolled through editorial pieces online and how intense subsequent eye rolls were.
“We used special technology to measure the amount of energy used in each eye roll,” explained Lin. “After trials, we hypothesized that the larger amounts of eye-rolling energy correlated with how apathetic the participant was about the presented articles. We believe this explains why the article ‘Afrikan Student Union should focus on problems within black community’ caused one of our participants to be sent to the emergency room for an ocular tear in his right eye.”
The Daily Bruin has a formal editorial team but also accepts submissions from undergraduate students and community members who do not hold staff positions. The DGAF data shows that these articles have a higher chance of being scoffed at in passing, or outright ignored.
“We are shocked that these articles written by individuals with no legitimate journalistic experience are the most likely to be ignored,” explained Lin. “They might as well be posted on the Odyssey Online.”
The study was published in the Mar. 7 edition of the Daily Bruin, but has not been read by anyone according to recent DGAF data.
