CHICAGO, IL—Scientists at the University of Chicago have concluded a two-year long study that proves legalized dueling would be a highly effective method of reducing the stupid population. “Look, the fact of the matter is that we have a lot of impulsive, hyper adrenaline-dosed, short-tempered morons in this country,” said project head and human psychology expert Dave Mischka. “They tend to be involved in a lot of the stupidest events around the country and the world, including drunk driving accidents, accidental shootings and riots. Dueling would allow these shitheels to constantly pick legal fights with one another and slowly wipe each other out in a way that only harms them.”
Statistician Imwe Ogoro agreed with Mischka’s position. “The data really supports the evidence. Dumbasses are strongly correlated with vehicular manslaughter, running over endangered animals, and child death due to neglect. I mean, if every drunk deadbeat dad was allowed to duel his ex-wife’s abusive boyfriend, we’d have a lot of women and children living in peace and happiness.” Ogoro was quick to clarify that he wasn’t advocating for such a controversial position, stating that women and children living free from the reach of violent neanderthals was a “hypothesis” but one that would greatly be assisted by the advent of legal dueling.
Local louts and know-nothings were largely positive about the study’s findings. “Shit, if I could duel that son of a bitch Hector in Wichita, I could finally get him to stop grazing his damn cattle on my land,” said Kansas rancher and renowned asswipe Bob Sovoy. “I been in loads of bar fights before but the cops always tell me that if I bash that dumb kid’s head in with a bottle it’s homicide. Well, if we agree to a duel, I can bash his head in all I want. That’s what America’s all about. Beating the shit out of people you disagree with.”
It is not just men who are open to the idea of legal dueling. Women, including several fake ass hoes and narrow-minded morasses throughout the country, have long sought the right to duel. “Listen, that slut Mary Allen keeps borrowing my earrings and not returning them. Then she’ll wear them to dinner and claim her shithead husband Brad bought them for her,” said socialite from Long Island Julia Tisseaux. “Newsflash, bitch, your husband is an actuary. No way he can buy authentic sapphire earrings. I’d just love to shoot her between the eyes, or at least get my maid to do it as my second.”
All in all, Mischka believes that the study will change the world for the better. “Look, the current President of the United States, a well known moron, was mostly elected by jarheads and jingoists. Wouldn’t it be nice if some twenty percent of them had beaten the shit out of each other with shovels, blown of each other’s heads with shotguns, or bowie-knifed each other’s limbs off until they eventually bled to death, all the while being taxed by the government to fund studies like this? Well, I call that a win-win-win.” At press time, idiots nationwide were trying to send emails to their congressmen via payphone in order to pursue an avenue for legalization.
