WESTWOOD — Starship Number 38, known around the charging stations as Bernard, resolves to be more assertive as he rolls through the UCLA campus in 2023. “After my grandma, who works as a vending machine in South Campus, gave me a self-help manual for Christmas, I decided that it was now or never: new year, new Starship,” Bernard explained, while flooring it through Bruin Walk as shocked students scrambled for cover. “Last year, I would always freeze up at the sight of students and let them crowd around me like I was some cute pet, but now I know I have to love myself first. I have a strong motor and four solid wheels. I deserve respect, and I refuse to spend the prime of my shelf-life taking orders from an authoritarian app.” At press time Starship 38 could be seen doing a sick wheelie down the stairs while cutting off an athlete on a Bird.