WESTWOOD—Declaring that South Campus is the only true campus, members of the South Campus Confederation ran military training exercises near the North Campus border on Saturday.
“South Campus has always represented peace and we have great respect for North Campus, even if they’re not as smart as we are,” said Computer Science major and leading South Campus general Jonathan Chen. “These exercises are just to ensure that we can keep our borders secure and also to show that, hypothetically speaking, if we wanted to conquer all of North Campus and take their nice buildings, we could. Hypothetically speaking, of course.”
The exercises started with a test bombing run on Janss Steps, followed by hundreds of physics majors storming through Dickson Plaza and a staged amphibious assault from North Pool by engineering majors. With emotions already running high after a South Campus surveillance drone was shot down in North Campus territory last week, the exercises have exacerbated tensions between the two Campuses. They also come right before a planned North-South Summit scheduled for Wednesday.
“There’s no denying that since the inception of UCLA, relations between the two campuses have been strained,” said North Campus president and art major Samantha Price. “In recent years, however, there has been a streak of virulent nationalism in South Campus that is harmful to peace in this region. Whether it’s putting us down on Yik-Yak or flying drones over the sculpture garden, they have developed a dangerous idea that they are the master race. That’s wrong because we are the master race. Have fun on your math tests, nerds!”
Many independent analysts predict war is imminent between the two campuses. According to recent reports, the engineering department is developing a nuclear bomb that would be capable of completely leveling North Campus by 2017. UCLA administrative intelligence also reports that North Campus is developing their own unorthodox plan: Sending girls to South Campus to instantly scatter all the South Campus majors and neutralize potential threats.
When asked about his thoughts on the potential of war, Chancellor Gene Block stated: “Let them fight.” before draping himself in his cloak, taking two dramatic steps backwards, and melting into the shadows.