WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer unveiled the Democrats’ strategy to prevent Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation by sternly frowning. “The Democratic Party has a long history of standing up for the needs of the American people, and an even longer history of capitulating to our opponents at even the faintest sign of adversity,” stated Schumer, followed by a series of ”harumph’s” and “tsk, tsk’s.” “Believe me when I say that we will continue to fight this illegitimate nomination until the very end. By ‘fight’ I mean ‘write a strongly-worded letter,’ and by ‘the very end’ I mean ‘7:30, when we have dinner reservations.’” Schumer concluded the press conference with the promise that this decision would not interfere with his plans to invite Mitch McConnell to his upcoming 70th birthday party (Spider-Man themed).
