WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference in the White House earlier today, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced that he had successfully named all fifty states. “I’m incredibly grateful to the American people for supporting me in this endeavor, and would like to apologize to the fine people of Delaware for being the last state I learned about,” stated Secretary Rubio, while authorizing an invasion of Iran. “Although I’m still unsure what exactly the deal is with Puerto Rico and Guam, I promise to the possibly Americans living in those lands that I will get to the bottom of it.” At press time, Rubio was struggling to memorize state capitals.
