Report: Rideshare Drivers Sentient Beings, Can Hear Your Conversations

WESTWOOD ― A new study by the Semel Institute of Neuroscience found that the flesh blobs in charge of navigating your Ubers and Lyfts are sentient beings, who, like many other sentient beings, can hear your conversations. “We were floored, because for years, scientists and laypeople alike have saved their most private talks for after they cram into a random Jeep Cherokee at 1AM,” said principal investigator Dr. Becca Weiser, whose prior life work suggested that janitors have emotions.  “Yes, occasionally riders will unearth the huge, lifeless dude-Roomba™ that we reckoned all rideshare drivers were. But our study found that over 98% of the time, they’re people. And they can hear you. This was true even when you ranked your most fuckable cousins from the backseat, revealed that you believe the elderly should die, or said ‘don’t tell anybody this, but I have a ritual of plucking out other people’s eyelashes when they aren’t looking and mashing them into one big eyelash ball which I stuff into my pocket and nibble on throughout the day. Eyelashes are my favorite food.’” At press time, Dr. Weiser confirmed that rideshare drivers can also smell you.

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