WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address from the Oval Office today, President Donald J. Trump declared that he was instituting a ban on all facts until further notice. “Until we can find out what the hell is going on with reality, President Donald J. Trump is calling for a complete shutdown of all facts,” Trump said this morning. The President went on to characterize facts as a threat to “this beautiful democracy” and a Chinese hoax designed to make US manufacturing less competitive. After signing the executive order, the President said, “We cannot allow facts, objectivity, and the EPA to distract us from making America great again.” At press time, Press Secretary Sean Spicer stated that he would be providing the media with a vastly superior collection of alternative facts.
