Point: I’m Not Your Waifu, You Fucking Creep
By: Ashley Jacobs
Listen. Attraction is natural. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, has wanted to fuck a cartoon character at some point in their lives. It’s normal to feel that tingling in your stomach when SpongeBob saunters across your flecked computer screen. But lines have to be drawn, and when you start stalking me after class with a schoolgirl costume you stole from your stepsister, you’re marking them, buddy.
I’m not your waifu, you fucking creep. I never have been, and I never will be. Stop projecting your irrational love for a fictional character onto me and leave me the fuck alone. At the very least, take Japanese 75 and find someone else to torture.
Counterpoint: Then Why Is Your Face On My Body-Pillow?
By: Walter from the Japanese Animation Club (JAC)
Look. I consider myself a pretty progressive guy. I’m a feminist, and I like my two-dimensional loves with realistic proportions, thank you very much. But if there’s one thing I can’t understand, it’s exactly how your face wound up on my body-pillow.
I’ve gone over every interaction we’ve ever had, whether it’s ended with a raised finger, a scream, or the UCPD, and shit’s not adding up. If you’re truly not my waifu, then I just can’t figure out how your face somehow pasted itself onto my body-pillow and made itself my avatar on Reddit. You need to stop denying how you feel and accept the facts before I get tired of blasting the Pokemon theme outside your dorm.
Just accept me into your heart and give the outfit another try. I’m only a fifth year. We’ve got time.