LOS ANGELES, CA—The neighborhood “peeping tom,” Ernest Douglas, has bravely decided to change his lifestyle and become a priest after witnessing a woman violently shitting in the privacy of her own home. “I nearly dropped my binoculars when I saw her do the unimaginable: poop,” Douglas stated with a disgusted tone as he sat, legs dangling, on his favorite tree branch, which has the best view of Becky’s sister’s bedroom window. “I’ve realized that priesthood is a much better life path for me. I now get to spend time with children rather than secretly watch them!” At press time, Douglas emphasized that his first rule of order will be to teach young women that defecating is unladylike and must be stopped immediately.
