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UCLA Student Found Dead After Playing Too Much Flappy Bird

February 13, 2014 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD–It’s the gaming sensation that’s sweeping the nation–and it’s deadly. Last Tuesday, a UCLA student was found dead in his dorm room after a three-day […]

“Yeah, Bro!” Confirms Frat Brother

February 11, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—An unidentified frat brother speaking on a phone just outside the IM field this morning confirmed that “Yeah, bro!” in direct response to the person […]

Underprepared English Professor To Increase Rate Of Dramatic Pauses In Next Lecture

February 4, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Sources revealed this morning that English 142 Professor Michael Prinz intends to increase both the frequency and duration of his pauses during tomorrow’s lecture. According […]

Superbowl Analysts Expect Record Number Of Blazings

February 2, 2014 Luke Moran 0

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In preparation for today’s Superbowl 48, which pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos, officials at MetLife Stadium have completed arrangements for […]

Iran Reveals Plans for Nuclear Waterslide

January 30, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

NEW YORK—In a UN General Assembly meeting last Tuesday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani was initially reserved when questioned about rumors surrounding the construction of what […]

New Study: You’re Probably Not Getting Laid Tonight

January 30, 2014 Crucius Finch 0

WESTWOOD – Leading researchers and also every one of your close friends confirmed yesterday that you’re probably not gonna get laid tonight. “That shirt makes […]

You want three weeks of winter vacation? Fine. One week then.

January 29, 2014 Luke Moran 0

Running a statewide public university system is difficult. I hope you understand that. And as regent, sometimes you have to make tough decisions. Sometimes you’ve […]

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