The Westwood Enabler

Underprepared English Professor To Increase Rate Of Dramatic Pauses In Next Lecture

February 4, 2014 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Sources revealed this morning that English 142 Professor Michael Prinz intends to increase both the frequency and duration of his pauses during tomorrow’s lecture. According […]

Superbowl Analysts Expect Record Number Of Blazings

February 2, 2014 Luke Moran 0

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In preparation for today’s Superbowl 48, which pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos, officials at MetLife Stadium have completed arrangements for […]

Iran Reveals Plans for Nuclear Waterslide

January 30, 2014 Nathan Guzik 0

NEW YORK—In a UN General Assembly meeting last Tuesday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani was initially reserved when questioned about rumors surrounding the construction of what […]

New Study: You’re Probably Not Getting Laid Tonight

January 30, 2014 Crucius Finch 0

WESTWOOD – Leading researchers and also every one of your close friends confirmed yesterday that you’re probably not gonna get laid tonight. “That shirt makes […]

You want three weeks of winter vacation? Fine. One week then.

January 29, 2014 Luke Moran 0

Running a statewide public university system is difficult. I hope you understand that. And as regent, sometimes you have to make tough decisions. Sometimes you’ve […]