SACRAMENTO, CA — In today’s daily coronavirus briefing about reopening California, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that Phase Two, which involves the reopening of businesses such as such book stores and retail stores, will now also include allowing Tinder hookups across the state. “The safety of Californians is of course my number one concern, but working to ensure that they are getting laid is a close second,” Governor Newsom said in his update. “I am told by experts that with this new allowance, rates of COVID-19 in California are expected to soar. However, I believe that the release of sexual tension provided by adequate sex with a stranger in a Denny’s parking lot will bring a priceless sense of deserved relief to our state’s very hot population.” Governor Newsom declined a follow-up comment after being seen hanging out in his local Denny’s parking lot.
