WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that a highly qualified team of male scientists tasked with detailing the female anatomy have almost found the clitoris. “We’re working day and night on our research,” said Dr. Patrick Tanner, one of the scientists who locked themselves in a secret underground bunker with nothing but a Brita water filter and a single PornHub subscription. “This study has taken a toll on all of us. Sometimes it feels like we’re losing our minds down here. But we won’t come back to the surface world until we understand women, for the sake of all mankind.” The team of scientists hope to locate the clitoris’ exact whereabouts by the end of the year, but they do not expect the study to provide any substantial information regarding the female orgasm.