RAQQA, SYRIA — In a video that surfaced this last Thursday, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi appears to condemn the National Rifle Association (NRA), citing both disgust and frustration with the gun rights group’s apparent lack of regard for human life.
“We often find ourselves in competition with other terrorist groups, lone wolf shooters, and even natural disasters to destroy American lives, but we are absolutely appalled by the NRA, whose tactics demonstrate zero regard for the sanctity of human life,” said al-Baghdadi, wiping a tear from beneath his eye as he read a list of American gun violence victims, whose number far exceeds American victims of ISIS.
“The United States is the only country in the world where a lobbying group is more despised and dangerous than us,” al-Baghdadi noted. “That’s shameful.”
ISIS members appeared flabbergasted by the NRA’s treatment of their foes.
“You know, sometimes after I decapitate an infidel, I feel a little remorse — but not these guys,” said sophomore ISIS swordsman and 4th-generation Iraqi-Englishman John Bates. “Have they no empathy? It’s inhumane.”
Bates echoed al-Baghdadi’s fear that ISIS is not properly equipped to deal with such a vile adversary.
When asked about his response to the video, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre maintained his commitment to the gun lobbying group’s mission, which he described as “a quest to restore America to its once-great 1775 militia.”
The Second Amendment could not be reached for comment, as it is 226 years old and does not believe its opinion to still be relevant at its old age.
