WESTWOOD – It’s 3:30, and I just got out of class to go to Kerckhoff Coffeehouse. It’s been a long day and I need my one (1) allotted treat before they stop taking swipes. I get in line and make it about halfway through before I realized I don’t actually have my Bruincard on me.
It’s my turn, and as I recite my order I’m trembling with excitement when they ask “cash or card?” right after. I finally speak up.
Ugh! What’s a young, charming satire writer and part-time DJ to do?
I know, I’ll whip out my trusty rusty face card! I’m sure I’ll be just fine. I’ll just bat my eyelashes and twirl my wavy tresses as the register beeps and they’ll wave me through with a smile.
“Actually, no thank you, I’ll be paying with my face card today.”
A blank stare on the barista’s face beckons me to position my face over the card reader, ready to hear it chime. A few seconds pass by, and no sound.
“Try again?” Would they say that to Zendaya?
This cannot be happening. My face card’s worked so hard to get me BruinBash tickets, an iClicker subscription, and noticed by Bruin Walk missionaries – it HAS to pay for some Kerckhoff coffee. But even after flashing my pearly whites and my vaguely hazel eyes to the staff, there’s nothing I can do.
“Joe ‘n Go is nearby if you wanna try that?”
I can think of no greater punishment.
I leave Kerckhoff in a huff, burdened by the failing infrastructure of this university. Looks like today won’t be a treat day…but hey, there’s always tomorrow.