“I Earned This” Says Man Who Has Done Nothing All Day

Gibney feels he should take some time to unwind in preparation for all the online shopping he has to do tomorrow.

FREEHOLD, NJ—Reports confirm that late this afternoon 27-year-old David Gibney sat down on his sofa with an ice cold beer to relax after a long day of doing nothing. “You know what, I really think I deserve this,” said Gibney as he turned on the television to watch another episode of Tosh.0, his fourth of the day. “I had to wake up at 11:30, swing by Chipotle to grab lunch, and then head over to Mike’s to hang with the guys,” Gibney said about his unproductive day. “Then I had to stop by the liquor store to pick up a few sixers on my way home, so I’ve been pretty slammed all day,” Gibney continued, sounding like a real piece of shit. At press time Gibney was seen rewarding himself with another beer after successfully ordering pizza.