WASHINGTON—In a two-minute video featuring blue-collar workers feigning labor, an array of ethnically diverse families, and at least one gay couple holding hands, former First Lady Hillary Clinton announced that she intended to move back into her old home Sunday after a lengthy 16-year hiatus caused by pest infestation.
Clinton and her husband, Bill, called the 1800-acre Pennsylvania Avenue property home from 1993 to 2001 before an onset of shrub-dwelling pests known as “Bush mites” rendered it unlivable.
“Even when Bill and I first moved into the White House, these Bush mites were present,” said Clinton, referring to the all-white neoclassical mansion by its commonly-known moniker. “It’s how we got a good price on it, and fortunately, we were able to get rid of the pests.”
White House head pest control specialist, Howie Randolph, explained how his team first rid the mansion of the infestation in 1993 using a pesticide called Constitution 27:
“Constitution 27 is a powerful chemical agent containing 27 unique compounds known as ‘Amendments’. When we fumigated the Clinton home, Amendment-12 was the particular chemical that was especially helpful in ousting the Bush mites.”
After eight years of pest-free living, however, the Clintons were beset by a new breed of the Bush mites which had, by then, developed a resistance to Constitution 27. The new breed had even endured some of the agent’s harsher components, such as Amendment-22.
“And just like that we were forced out of our own home,” said Clinton who expects Bush mites to pose a challenge once again on this return to the White House.
“Mr. Randolph notified me that these types of things happen in cycles. The mites are exterminated. The mites adapt. The mites come back. It’s going to happen. It’s like me announcing that I want to move back into the White House: it’s something expected.”
Why the Bush mite is attracted to the White House specifically, though, is a mystery. According to Randolph, the Bush mite generally prefers “the thick foliage of low-growing shrubbery”, not residential buildings. A definitive rationale for its invasion continues to elude experts.
The Bush mites, however, are not the only pest responsible for the Clinton’s extended White House absence. After the initial Bush mite problem was eradicated in 2008 by an updated Amendment-22 formula, a new pest, the Obama bug, took up residence in the White House.
The preliminary pest control report detailed this more recent infestation as particularly “Nasty. N-S-A-T-Y [sic]. Nasty.” According to Randolph, the Obama bugs, which some believe originate from Kenya, were “everywhere”. “There were bugs on the phones. There were bugs in the computers. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of those little guys even managed to crack the bunker. I don’t know how they did it. It’s like they had some sort of backdoor.”
The Obama bugs’ takeover of the White House took many by surprise. Initially the infestation was not a visible one. Said Randolph: “Couldn’t see them at all. The only way we even knew they were there was the low buzz they were making, the drone. Then, boom! They’re all over the place, and the Clinton’s are still out a house.”
Despite being displaced by the Obama bug, which is currently being handled with yet another Amendment-22 formula improvement, Clinton embraced the temporary dislocation. “I do have to give some thanks to the Obama bugs because during these past eight years outside the house, I’ve been able to travel to and see some truly amazing places. China, Israel, Afghanistan just to name a few.”
Clinton said that without the Obama bug infestation, she never would have visited any of these foreign nations.
Should her bid to return to the White House prove pest-free, Clinton stated that there would “definitely be some changes” this time around. Clinton’s own workspace would be moved into her husband’s old office; Seamus, their dog, would now sleep in the President’s Bedroom while Bill would stay in the doghouse; and the White House staff would contain zero female interns.
