THE HAGUE — On Monday morning, the International Criminal Court began its trial of God for His lengthy history of crimes against humanity. God is currently facing over 50 million charges, the first 20 million constituting those estimated to have died during the Great Flood. God’s defense team is headed by “The Masked Singer” contestant Rudy Giuliani, while most of the prosecutorial team had to be restaffed on extremely short notice after all of the attorneys died from unknown causes late Sunday night.
“It is time we finally brought this criminal to justice,” said prosecutor Lucy Fur, who represents the victims of the great flood as well as those appealing their infinite condemnation to Hell. “This guy violates every rule in the book. One woman sins and he condemns all of humankind to struggle indefinitely? I mean, has the guy even read Article 87 of the Geneva Convention, in which collective punishment is explicitly prohibited?”
“He murdered 2,000 people during the Sodom and Gomorrah affair (Genesis 19:24), killed 70,000 during the seven-year famine (Genesis 41:25-54), and another 14,700 because people complained about His murder sprees (Numbers 11:1). And don’t even get me started on the Crusades.”
At press time, God could be seen alternately playing Candy Crush, donating to Alex Jones’ GoFundMe, and making sure the Dodgers win their game this week, while ignoring the hundreds of famines and conflicts which currently ravage the world.
