CALIFORNIA — As Southern California wildfires stretch non-incarcerated fire crews thin, Democrats and Republicans alike are applauding their foresight in voting against Proposition 6, which would have barred involuntary servitude as punishment for a crime. “Truthfully, I think a $5.80 daily wage is a little high for a bunch of axe-wielding convicts,” said Californian voter Baren Kass, whose husband is currently evading criminal money laundering charges. “Sure, they’re using those axes to break up dry vegetation and keep the fires from spreading, but they’re all murderous hoodlums anyway. We need disposable bodies on the frontlines, so it doesn’t matter if they live, die, or develop early-onset lung cancer — they’ve paid their debt to society.” At press time, Kass was seen removing 13th (Ava DuVernay, 2016) from her Netflix watchlist.
