WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks of online school. “Since the administration no longer considers the overwhelming number of COVID-19 cases as a valid factor in our decision-making about the nature of classes, we thought this new tradition might be a cute and festive way to decide the fates of our students and their educations,” said head of the COVID-19 response commission, Punxsutawney Phil. “We are hopeful that as we continue this annual tradition, Mr. Block will become less frazzled upon seeing his shadow. It’s not a good look for the university to have a chancellor soil his pants in shock on live television.” At press time, Block was spotted asking out-of-state students to pay their tuition in the form of pots of gold.
