WESTWOOD— The John Wooden Center’s recent facilitation of rapid COVID-19 tests was met with heavy resistance this week, as several local fraternities protested the implication that 15 minutes is a “rapid” amount of time to last. “This issue is near and dear to the hearts of the entire chapter and we have come to the collective decision to make this cause our new philanthropy,” said Josh Lincoln, president of Sigma Upsilon Kappa, board member on the Interfraternity Council, and alleged “huge penis haver.” “This is only the beginning for us. Next, we’re taking down Geico for their oppressive suggestion that 15 minutes is a short amount of time to save us 15% or more on car insurance.” At press time, the Enabler spotted several brothers with picket signs outside of Wooden, with slogans such as “Symptoms? More like Dumb Simp!” and “COVID Nine-Inch-Peen.”
