WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration announced the department’s decision to increase the recommended serving size of several popular alcoholic beverages for those who have “definitively proven that they are not pussies” and “can handle their booze, like a goddam man”. The law covers many popular varieties of whisky, as well as Jägermeister, vodka, and tequila. Not included are wine coolers among other mixed drinks that are listed under the law’s subsection entitled “drinks for pussies”. “Basically, if you’re not a pussy, there will be no legal consequences to excessive consumption of alcohol” said FDA spokesperson Jonathan Bellman. “The size of a standard drink will increase. Fines or jail time for driving under the influence will have the potential to be reduced under these new stipulations as well. That comes with the requirement that the individual in question is in no way a big freakin’ pussy, of course.” The administration intends to set up a department for non-pussy licensing sometime within the next several months, featuring exams that require candidates to catch a football and eat lots of really spicy peppers. ❖
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