PORTLAND, OR — The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief on Tuesday when area mom Sharon Johnson posted a JPEG of the Statue of Liberty crying on her Facebook timeline, bringing the rapidly escalating conflict between the U.S. and Iran to an end. “We were prepared for a full-scale offensive, but when she posted that picture, all military operations were called off immediately,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo of Mrs. Johnson’s vague plea for peace. “Not even five minutes after Sharon updated her profile while waiting in the Dairy Queen drive-thru, Ayatollah Khamenei reached out to the White House, moved in a way that decades of carefully reasoned diplomacy had failed to accomplish.” At press time, the White House has reportedly been flooded with calls from the likes of Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin, all of whom had been swayed by Mrs. Johnson’s post to achieve world peace.
