MENLO PARK, CA — The conglomerate formerly known as Facebook, Inc. announced Thursday that it would be changing its company name back to “The Facebook”. “In spite of the troubles we’ve faced over the past few years, we here at The Facebook strive to keep moving forward, even if that means returning our brand to a time when our main draw was rating girls’ appearances on the internet,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg from a video conference, visibly disappointed that actor Jesse Eisenberg had been unable to attend. “Nowadays it seems like everyone hates me. I yearn for the long-ago year 2010, when people didn’t hate me for irreparably invading their privacy and ushering in the end of American democracy, they just hated me because I was a weaselly little asshole.” As of press time, Zuckerberg could be seen shuffling around company headquarters in a Harvard hoodie and sandals, desperately trying to get in touch with David Fincher.
