WESTWOOD—Citing Brian’s lack of reliability and Julie’s poor speaking ability, multiple sources confirmed Wednesday that every party involved in group three’s Spanish 100 project is the only person who ever does anything for the thing.
According to several accounts, all five members are the only person who does any research, writes well or can carry themselves confidently in a presentation, and because of this, each person is the only one who really deserves a passing grade.
“Honestly, it’s sort of the shame the way Professor Vasquez assigned us our groups,” said Second-year Brian Thomas, referring to a method that was completely random and had no bearing on performance. “Clearly she stuck the smartest people in class with the worst hoping it would all sort of balance out. What usually ends up happening is one person does all the work and others are totally useless.”
Thomas was both the one who came up for the group’s idea for the project and the most vocal in his desire to implement it.
“I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but everyone sort of depends on me,” added Thomas.
A quick survey did well to prove his theory, as the people perceived to be the most intelligent in the class were often stuck with “borderline imbeciles.” Additionally, the most charismatic students are believed to have been paired with “human wet rags.”
A feeling that the groups were unbalanced from the start is not unique to Thomas, however. Second-year Maxine Stone noted the fact that the hardest workers in class often get stuck with people who can barely pull their own weight.
“I don’t mean to say that I’m the one who does everything around here, but I kind of am—it all sort of falls to me,” said Stone. “Honestly I shouldn’t have to put up with this shit but I do because I want a good grade. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who does.”
Other points that the two agree on are the fact that both are the only ones in the group that are organized, motivated. know what their professor wants, and even understand the project’s prompt.
Said third-year Julie Cantwell on Stone and Thomas’s comments: “Are you fucking kidding me?”
