DAWN OF MAN – Following reports that a mysterious large black monolith has encased the John Wooden statue on Bruinwalk, a local group of early hominids drawn to the monolith have miraculously discovered both tool usage and basketball. “We have no idea how they got here or what they want, but they were grunting and howling at us and threatening us with bones of unknown origin,” reported facilities head Stanlee Kendrick, whose janitorial staff had been destroyed in a game of horse. “They’ve developed a perfect mid-range jumper almost overnight. We’re not sure what this has to do with the tool usage, but we’re planning on incorporating them into the team.” At press time, one of the hominids had put up a triple double.
