WESTWOOD — Last Monday evening, three wise men knocked on the door of Beta Theta Pi to share with third-year business economics student Jack Wagner, who is still wearing his Coachella 2019 wristband, that he is the Chosen One. “I knew there was a reason to not take this off!” Wagner exclaimed, holding up his arm for all to see the thin piece of faded fabric which separates him from the rest of the temporal world. “Coachella has been over for like two weeks now too, but it’s important I keep this on to prove my divine omnipotence over others; in case people don’t see it [the wristband] right away, I’ll just talk about the festival constantly so the gospel is spread.” At press time, false messiahs were also seen wearing their Coachella wristbands and debating whether Weekend One or Weekend Two was better.
