ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike in the volume of new podcasts over the coming weeks. “Preliminary studies have shown that for every person quarantined, an average of 1.3 podcasts are produced,” stated CDC director Robert Redfield, though he added that the number is likely skewed toward newly unemployed thirty-year-olds and bored improv comedians, who each produce up to 3.7 ppp (podcasts per person). “New cases present themselves in a variety of manners, with the most common being poorly researched ‘true crime’ podcasts. We strongly urge Americans to maintain a distance of at least six feet between themselves and any microphones, in order to reduce their risk of participating in their roommate’s half-baked sports ‘show.’” Redfield also noted a worrying trend of couples abandoning podcasts during the second or third episode, after they realize they just don’t like each other that much.
