National Bestfriend Day Cancelled, She Knows What She Did
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the nation enters the peak of holiday season, Gabrielle Langli, Director of the Bureau of Celebration and National Holidays, has declared […]
Politics
Colored Pencils To Be Renamed Pencils Of Color
WESTWOOD — After attending her first lecture of Gender Studies 103: Knowledge, first-year undeclared major Brittney Smith took the first step towards enacting tangible change, by […]
Apathetic Parents Lukewarm For The Return Of Their Socialist Daughter
COLUMBUS, OH — Sources report that the Loofer family is unamused with the return of their socialist daughter and would prefer if freshman Lindsay Loofer […]
UCLA Breaks Ground on Ben Shapiro School of Owning the Libs
WESTWOOD — Reflecting UCLA’s commitment to recognizing the achievements of its distinguished alumni as well as its desire to offer an education that encompasses a […]
Taylor Swift to Start New, Flirtier Political Party
NASHVILLE, TN — In response to backlash regarding her recent endorsement for the Democratic party, Taylor Swift has released a statement regarding her plans to start […]
Supreme Court Now Looks More Like Sex Offender Registry
WASHINGTON, DC — With the confirmation of former District of Columbia Appeals Judge Brett Kavanaugh today, pundits agree that the United States Supreme Court now […]
Kavanaugh Drinks Seventeen Glasses Of Wine To Cope With Investigation Announcement
WASHINGTON, DC — After hearing that FBI will be investigating the sexual assault allegation against him, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh drank 17 glasses of […]
Bruin Republicans Hold Emergency Summer Meeting
WESTWOOD — On Tuesday afternoon, Bruin Republicans President John Lawrence called an emergency meeting after Michael Cohen implicated President Trump in illegal cover-up payments and […]
Ruth Bader Ginsburg To Embark On Quest For Immortality
WASHINGTON, D. C. — After learning that President Donald Trump will be appointing another Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she will […]
Bruins For Israel Pretty Quiet This Week
WESTWOOD — UCLA students noted that the campus group Bruins For Israel has been pretty quiet this week following the killing of more than 60 […]