Clinton Supporters Climb Fence, Incite Riot
WESTWOOD—In a scene more suited for european soccer matches than politics, a horde of Clinton supporters climbed a fence near the Central Ticketing Office today, […]
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Haunted House Willed to Heirs, If They Can Stay Through One Entire Night
SEATTLE, WA—After hearing of their late great-uncle Alfred Corman’s passing via his obituary in the Seattle Evening Post, siblings Andrew and Pauline Mortensen were left […]
Area Teenager Eats Pint Of Ice Cream Without Wearing Sweatpants
WESTWOOD, CA—Major concerns were raised in the Westwood community early Friday evening after local teenager Dorothy Springer finished off her pint of Cherry Garcia ice […]
UCLA Student Found Dead After Playing Too Much Flappy Bird
WESTWOOD–It’s the gaming sensation that’s sweeping the nation–and it’s deadly. Last Tuesday, a UCLA student was found dead in his dorm room after a three-day […]
“Yeah, Bro!” Confirms Frat Brother
WESTWOOD—An unidentified frat brother speaking on a phone just outside the IM field this morning confirmed that “Yeah, bro!” in direct response to the person […]
Underprepared English Professor To Increase Rate Of Dramatic Pauses In Next Lecture
WESTWOOD—Sources revealed this morning that English 142 Professor Michael Prinz intends to increase both the frequency and duration of his pauses during tomorrow’s lecture. According […]
Superbowl Analysts Expect Record Number Of Blazings
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In preparation for today’s Superbowl 48, which pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Denver Broncos, officials at MetLife Stadium have completed arrangements for […]
Iran Reveals Plans for Nuclear Waterslide
NEW YORK—In a UN General Assembly meeting last Tuesday, Iranian President Hassan Rouhani was initially reserved when questioned about rumors surrounding the construction of what […]
New Study: You’re Probably Not Getting Laid Tonight
WESTWOOD – Leading researchers and also every one of your close friends confirmed yesterday that you’re probably not gonna get laid tonight. “That shirt makes […]