Obama Opens Border To El Niño
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Barack Obama signed a controversial executive order this morning to open the border for the southern climate oscillation, El Niño. The […]
National
Report: Students Spending More Money On Textbooks Than Useful Shit
WASHINGTON, DC — A study released by the United States Department of Commerce Thursday found that college students are spending an increasing amount of money […]
Marco Rubio Forges Doctor’s Note To Get Senate Absences Excused
WASHINGTON, DC — Following months of missed votes and prolonged periods of absences from his Senate duties, Marco Rubio reportedly handed Senate Majority Leader Mitch […]
Fraternity Gets Black Guy
AUSTIN, TX — In a press release this Sunday, The University of Texas, Austin’s chapter of Xi Pi Phi announced that their newest pledge, Kyle […]
Unmarried Gay Man Braces Himself For Increased Pressure From Family
WEST HOLLYWOOD—Following the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout the United States, local single gay man Brian Dominguez is reportedly preparing himself for a drastic increase […]
Nation Congratulates Gay Friend
UNITED STATES—In light of the Supreme Court’s historic decision legalizing same-sex marriage, citizens across the Nation turned to their gay friend via Facebook message today to congratulate […]
Employer Impressed By Student’s Overqualification
LOS ANGELES—Following a thorough investigation of his resume, along with a brief interview with the student in question, local employer and head of A&R Consulting […]
Marvel Announces 525,949 New Marvel Movies For Next Year
HOLLYWOOD — Today at the Hollywood Comics Convention, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige announced 525,949 new Marvel movies would come out next year. “Audiences around […]
Tragedy Strikes at Local Spelling Bee. Tragedy. T-R-A-G-E-D-Y. Tragedy.
LOS ANGELES — The 6th Annual Rosen Spelling Bee competition was struck with tragedy Saturday evening as the burning of electrical wires sparked off a […]
Report: Additional Highway Lane Reduces Amount Of Time For Texting
LOS ANGELES — Much to the displeasure of southern California commuters, a study conducted by the Department of Transportation revealed Sunday that the extra highway […]