Roommate Still In Bathroom
WESTWOOD – Sources have confirmed that as of 8:22 this evening, your roommate was still in the bathroom. “It’s been almost ten minutes. Not that […]
News in Briefs
Man Excited By Text Realizes It’s Only BruinAlert Testing
WESTWOOD — Area man Justin Chang received a text on Friday evening while sitting at home and flipping between porn and Netflix, only to realize […]
Kid Finally Learns Mom’s Name Not ‘Mom’
LOS ANGELES—Sources report that five-year-old Douglas Stokes has finally learned that his mom’s name is not actually ‘mom.’ “We’re all so proud of our big […]
High School Classmate Discovers Moroccan Food
LOS GATOS, CA—High school classmate Julie Burr discovered Moroccan food earlier this week, sources confirm. “At first I was like wow, this kind of has […]
Young Entrepreneur Really Proud Of Shitty Idea
WESTWOOD — Early this morning, young entrepreneur Brad Bates recently pitched his complete piece of shit business idea to his Finance class and, to the […]
Dreaming Agricultural Science Major Visited By Sagacious Ear Of Corn
COLLEGE STATION, TX—While coquettishly fending off the advances of a sexually aggressive tomato, dreaming Agricultural Science major from Texas A&M University Hannah Joles was visited […]
Pregnancy And Childbirth Totally Not Worth Shitty Child
ANN ARBOR, MI — Citing the profound uselessness and disrespectful behaviour of her son Brendan, local mother Ann Shapiro says that the nine year old […]
Area Man Unsure If New Friend Republican
LOS ANGELES—Area man and local Democrat Charlie Cohen realized early Thursday that he was unsure if his new friend, Derek Wallace, was a Republican. “Some […]
Girl Scout Sales Surge Since Legalization Of Marijuana
LOS ANGELES — According to Girl Scouts of America, cookie sales in the state of California have grown over 250 percent since Proposition 64 passed […]
Roommate Shirtless Again
WESTWOOD – Sources confirmed this evening that your roommate is shirtless again. “Yeah, it’s cool, man,” your roommate said, unabashedly exposing his bare chest with […]