Slow-Moving Spider Can No Longer Be Ignored
LOS ANGELES—Area woman Susan Williams realized that she could no longer ignore the slow-moving arachnid on her bedroom wall on…
Nut Allergy Nothing Compared To Embarrassment Of Complaining At Restaurant
WESTWOOD—During a family night out, it came to the attention of area woman Leslie Simmons that the shame and…
Employee Begins To Feel Kinship With New Name Boss Gave Him
LOS ANGELES — In a turn of events, junior managerial assistant Matthew Stevenson began to feel a kinship with the…
North Campus To Replace All Clocks With More Aesthetically Pleasing Sundials
Apple Announces Plans To Only Play Upbeat Music In Sweatshops
CUPERTINO—This week Apple, in keeping with tradition of ceremonial pomp, held a massive event unveiling their plans to play non-stop…
Student At Front Of The Restaurant Line Rolls The Dice With Debit Card
WESTWOOD—Ignoring his misgivings about the possible lack of necessary funds on his debit card, third-year Economics major Andrew Clay, decided…
Edgy Kid In Philosophy Discussion Insists On Giving Genocidal Rhetoric “A Chance”
WESTWOOD—Starting off the new academic year strong, edgy third-year Jacob Shaw explained to his discussion section why they should all…