WESTWOOD, CA — A class of 23 UCLA students from the astrophysics general education course ‘My Star and Me’ were blinded this Monday after taking part in an experiment which required them to stare directly into one of our solar system’s larger stars, known commonly as the sun. “One second we were looking at slides on the PowerPoint, and next thing I know, the professor has us staring up at the sun! Directly! I was like, wow, I can see it so clearly, and then a second later I couldn’t see anything… Still can’t. Hello? Are you still here?” said first year Raymond Venta. “Ok I’m gonna assume you’re still here. Anyways, the nice thing is that, despite not being able to ever see my loved ones, or what my future children will ever look like, this has definitely helped me in deciding on a major! I chose Braille studies, because well… you know!.. Hello? I can’t feel you, is anyone here still? Please help me.”
When asked why she encouraged her students to blind themselves, Astrophysics Professor Denise R. Luna said, “Higher education is meant to make kids question things; whether it’s socioeconomic inequality, strained racial issues, government abuses of public policy, or all of the closed-minded people who say you probably shouldn’t stare directly at the sun for extended periods of time. I taught my students to see right through all of these fallacies. Sure, they may be completely blind in terms of, “using your vision to actually see things,” but in terms of “seeing the world for what it really is,” I think they have 20/20 vision. Not literally – obviously they are legitimately blinded for life, but in a not-real, figurative sense.” While Professor Luna has not been relieved of her faculty position, she has been duly penalized by UCLA’s administration, in the form of the Silent Treatment, effective over the long three-day weekend.