WESTWOOD — In a recent turn of events, pretty subpar woman Madison Wheeler came to the upsetting realization that dyeing her hair did not transform her into the newer, better person she had anticipated becoming. “My friends and family constantly call me horrible to be around, and I read on a blog that the path to self improvement can go from the outside in,” she explained, pushing back tufts of fried neon blue hair. “But it turns out that even Mystic Sapphire #445 isn’t enough to combat my innermost crippling inadequacies. Maybe I chose the wrong color?” At press time, a pink-haired Wheeler still had a shitty personality.
