CUMBERLAND, MD—In a frantic meltdown this past Wednesday, Interstate 68—which runs through western Maryland—expressed utter disbelief when it found out it was, in fact, adopted as part of the “Adopt a Highway” program. “My whole life I thought I knew who I was,” exclaimed the distraught interstate highway, noting that it always assumed President Eisenhower had created it under the Federal Highway act of 1956. “Apparently I was adopted by the fucking Cornerstone Baptist Church! I’ve seen the signs, they’re all there… I should’ve known—that explains all the evangelical hicks driving tractor trailers all over me.” At press time, Interstate 68 had been closed off after rupturing the earth below it in a rage-filled fit of denial.
