WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill the coronavirus once and for all. “The first one was obviously the bat, and the second was an ancient crown we found in a creepy dungeon,” Fauci explained as he prepared to drink poison from the Goblet of Virus. “Third was Rudy Giuliani’s unused mask, and the next three were each of Trump’s wedding rings. But something inside of me knew all along that it would come to this.” At press time, Fauci was seen drinking unicorn blood in the Forbidden Forest in a last-ditch attempt to cheat death.
