BREAKING: Thesis Statement Isn’t Actually A Thesis
WESTWOOD — After waiting in anticipation for feedback on the first draft of an essay that comprises 15% of her grade, third-year Human Biology and […]
Month: November 2017
Area White Woman Would Totally Date Nonwhite Guy, Just Never Had The Opportunity
LOS ANGELES — Area white woman Tracy Jefferson is completely open to dating a nonwhite man, but has never had the opportunity. “I mean, yes, […]
Local FC Barcelona Fan Learns What Catalonia Is
WESTWOOD — Local FC Barcelona supporter and self described “football, not soccer” fanatic Rick Lionsgate was startled to find Barcelona was located in Catalonia, the […]
Five Former Presidents To Form New Boy Band
WASHINGTON, D.C.— After their triumphant showing at the recent Hurricane Relief Benefit Concert, the five living former presidents have decided to take their careers to […]
Employee Begins To Feel Kinship With New Name Boss Gave Him
LOS ANGELES — In a turn of events, junior managerial assistant Matthew Stevenson began to feel a kinship with the new name his boss had […]
Kerckhoff Hall Passed Over For Starring Movie Role In Favor Of Younger Luskin Center
WESTWOOD — The lights dimmed in UCLA’s Kerckhoff Hall this afternoon after the iconic building learned that it had been passed over for the coveted […]
Bruin Republicans Back On Their Bullshit
WESTWOOD — With the Nov. 13 “Ben Shapiro: The Rise of Campus Facism” event, Bruin Republicans was officially declared to be back on their bullshit […]
Louis C.K. Gay Now
NEW YORK — In light of recent allegations of sexual harassing multiple women, comedian Louis C.K. has announced he is actually gay via a press […]
LiAngelo Asks If “Steals” Can Be Added To Otherwise Poor Stat Sheet
HANGZHOU, CHINA — After being apprehended for stealing merchandise from a store in China, LiAngelo Ball was left wanting to know if these “steals” could […]
Dodgers Forget How To Play Baseball Before Game 7 Loss
LOS ANGELES — In what psychologists have described as “the greatest case of the Yips ever seen in sports,” every single player on the Los […]