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Month: October 2017

Apple Announces Plans To Only Play Upbeat Music In Sweatshops

October 29, 2017 Ivan Chavez 0

CUPERTINO — This week Apple, in keeping with tradition of ceremonial pomp, held a massive event unveiling their plans to play non-stop pop music for […]

Student At Front Of The Restaurant Line Rolls The Dice With Debit Card

October 29, 2017 Ivan Chavez 0

WESTWOOD — Ignoring his misgivings about the possible lack of necessary funds on his debit card, third-year Economics major Andrew Clay, decided to roll the […]

Area Vegan Seriously Injured After Hugging Cactus

October 29, 2017 Pranay Hegde 0

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — In an emotionally charged attempt to show his appreciation of vegetation for its nutritional benefits, local vegan Edgar Wilkner tightly embraced […]

Edgy Kid In Philosophy Discussion Insists On Giving Genocidal Rhetoric “A Chance”

October 29, 2017 Ivan Chavez 0

WESTWOOD — Starting off the new academic year strong, edgy third-year Jacob Shaw explained to his discussion section why they should all give the genocidal […]

Excited Freshman Loves Learning But At His Own Pace

October 29, 2017 Saniya Anand 0

WESTWOOD – In a conversation with the classmate closest to him in his Sociology 1 discussion, pre-economics major and first-year freshman Steven Coleman revealed that […]

Wait, Did Area Man Just Ask Me Out?

October 29, 2017 Saniya Anand 0

WESTWOOD — Sources are unsure whether area man Eric, just asked me out. We’ve had dinner together multiple times so I didn’t think it was […]

Op-Ed: No One Suffered Like My Ethnic Group

October 29, 2017 Offended Man 0

My ethnic group came to this country from a poorer one than yours. I don’t care where you came from; my ancestral country was poorer. […]

Class Clown Hides In Sewers To Tell Jokes

October 29, 2017 Salma Zaky 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA second year and Pennywise wannabe, George Rogers, was found this morning coated in feces, peering through a sewer telling popsicle-stick jokes to […]

Local Nihilist Watches “Rick and Morty”

October 29, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

LOS ANGELES — Citing its sophisticated and nuanced references to Narodnaya literature, local nihilist Evan Sharp is a regular viewer of the Adult Swim cartoon […]

Harvey Weinstein Found Hiding In SAE’s Basement

October 29, 2017 Felipe Bris Abejón 0

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