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Month: January 2017

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Christ Detained At LaGuardia

January 30, 2017 Nathan Glovinsky 0

NEW YORK—After a failed attempt through U.S. Customs and Immigration, Jesus Christ was detained and questioned by LaGuardia airport security on Saturday for several hours. […]

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President Trump To Institute Ban On Facts Until Further Notice

January 24, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address from the Oval Office today, President Donald J. Trump declared that he was instituting a ban on all facts […]

Los Angeles Monsoon Takes The Lives Of Four Thousand Leather Shoes

January 19, 2017 Kushal Chatterjee 0

LOS ANGELES, CA — A mass grave erected in the middle of Brentwood was completed today, with an ornate tombstone dedicating the site to the […]

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Report: My Break Was Good, How Was Yours?

January 18, 2017 Sierra Scott 0

WESTWOOD—Scientists recently concluded a comprehensive study following UCLA’s winter recess that indicates that my break was good, how was yours? Mine was pretty relaxing; I […]

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New Dining Hall Somehow More Pretentious Than B-Plate

January 10, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—In an impressive display of extravagance, UCLA Housing recently unveiled a new dining hall, which is somehow even more pretentious than Bruin Plate. The Study […]

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Supreme Playground Court Upholds 5 Second Rule

January 8, 2017 Nathan Glovinsky 0

TOPEKA, KS— In a narrow 5-4 vote, the Supreme Playground Court of Smileyvale Elementary School ruled that the “Five Second Rule” was constitutional. “We really […]

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Teen Disappointed Safe Space Lacks Wifi

January 8, 2017 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD—Although thankful she has a space to comfortably feel free of hostilities, third-year gender studies major Charlotte Smith expressed concerns over the lack of reliable […]

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LAPD Pissed They Have To Take Freeway For Car Chase

January 8, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

LOS ANGELES—Two police officers from the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) said they were pissed off that they had to take the 405 freeway in […]

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